Mopping up after a verbal blunder

By Pat Burson Tribune Newspapers

Newsday April 14, 2005

In an attempt to be provocative while speaking at an economics conference earlier this year, Harvard University President Lawrence Summers fired off a faux pas heard 'round the world.

His suggestion that fewer women are entering math and science careers because of "innate" differences between the sexes thrust the former treasury secretary and World Bank economist into the media spotlight, touched off an uproar in international scientific and academic circles, triggered a near-revolt among his faculty and placed his future at the Ivy League school in question.

With all the explaining, defending and apologizing that followed, it also landed him in the Verbal Blunder Hall of Shame.

It just proves that no one is immune from saying something so clumsy, inaccurate, outlandish or uncouth that he or she regrets it. Fortunately, foot-in-mouth disease need not be fatal, say psychologists, workplace coaches and communications experts, but certain steps are necessary to recover from such a misstep.

What Summers did is pretty common. "He kept digging the hole deeper," says Robin Wolaner, author of "Naked in the Boardroom: A CEO Bares Her Secrets So You Can Transform Your Career" (Fireside/Simon & Schuster, $20). "He made some remarks that were probably well-intentioned, but he was stupid in the way he presented them."

For those who commit a verbal blunder, it's important to figure out a recovery strategy in short order, says Wolaner, formerly of Westbury and Bellmore, now living in San Francisco. "Until you can," she says, "keep your mouth shut and don't dig the hole deeper."

Try the "instant replay" approach, says Judith Glaser, who owns Benchmark Communication Inc., a Manhattan-based executive coaching and consulting firm. "As soon as you say something and realize the impact was different than what you intended, you have to go back and say, `That's not what I intended."'

However, when what came out is exactly what you intended to say, no matter how unpopular or upsetting to others, own up to it, says Len Tuzman, stress-management expert and director of social work at Zucker Hillside Hospital in Glen Oaks.

Wrong way to say it

Just be "open to saying that maybe you could have expressed it another way," he says. "Sometimes things slip out. You say it a little more powerfully, or candidly, or with not the best choice of language."

Whether you intended to say what you said, or not, it's important to apologize, Glaser and other experts agree. "The best thing is to say, `Omigod. I can't believe I just said that. I'm sorry. That came across differently than I meant. This is what I really meant to say. ... ' " Glaser says. "Then clarify."

For some people, saying "I'm sorry" may be viewed as a sign of weakness or vulnerability, says Dianna Booher, author of "Communicate With Confidence! How to Say It Right the First Time and Every Time" (McGraw-Hill, $16.95). "It's just not true," she says.

"Apologizing lets people see you as human," she adds. How an apology is worded also is important, says Booher. Some people try to get off the hook by not admitting their mistake or explaining it away with statements such as, "if I hurt your feelings ... " or "if this offends you ... " or "I'm sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you."

"The implication is, I don't think I did or I don't think you should have been," she explains. The key, she says, is to be specific and acknowledge exactly what you did. "The best thing to say is, `I have offended you. I should not have said such-and-such a thing. It was an insensitive comment.' Then you're saying you made a mistake."

However, if you don't feel as if you are wrong, don't be pressured into apologizing, says Larina Kase, a psychologist and partner in the Philadelphia-based Extreme Communicator coaching company. "If you literally made a mistake with what you said, meaning you didn't mean to say it, then acknowledge that."

Steven H. Carney, a Denver-based workplace and personal coach, cautions against becoming defensive. Some people may start out apologizing but then slip into defense mode, he explains, turning the tables instead of acknowledging a mistake. For example, he says, the blunderer might say, "I didn't mean to say it, but I was stressed out," or, "I'm sorry I said it. I can tell you were hurt. I didn't mean to, but really, I was in a horrible mood."

Simple and sincere

When people tie an apology to a defense, they're not taking responsibility, Carney says. "Keep it simple and sincere."

Carney, author of "The Team Work Chronicles: A Startling Look Inside the Workplace for Those Who Want Better Teamwork" (Greenleaf Book Group, $12.95), suggests writing down the apology and rehearsing it. Talk to the person face to face or over the phone -- the sooner the better, he says. It also wouldn't hurt, he says, to follow up.

In the process, don't overreact, warns Sue Morem, a Minneapolis-based expert on professionalism, cautioning against yelling, swearing or crying.

"People tend to react rather than respond," says Morem, author of "How to Gain the Professional Edge: Achieve the Personal and Professional Image You Want (Ferguson, $34.95). "A reaction is an immediate, instinctual, emotional response. A response is planned and thought out. Take the time you need to decide what you want to say and then respond, rather than react."

If all this is a lot to take in, Steve Waterhouse, a sales consultant in Orange Park, Fla., has a quick and easy way to remember what to do (and they're the same three rules that apply when trying to escape from a burning house): Stop, drop and roll.

"Stop where you are, drop back and deal with it, and then roll on," he explains. "It works because you need to deal with things, and you need to deal with them quickly and get on with it."

Don't run from mistakes

The key to recovering from a verbal blunder is to admit it and take responsibility, says Sue Morem, author of the forthcoming book "101 Tips for Graduates: A Code of Conduct for Success and Happiness in Your Professional Life" (Checkmark Books, $16.95). If you say something wrong, apologize, validate the other person to show empathy, stating that he or she didn't cause the problem, express regret and take responsibility for your actions.

Morem offers some examples inspired by real life:

SCENARIO

You say something snide under your breath about a co-worker who overhears it.

Apologize: "I believe you overheard me speaking to someone else, and I said things I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry."

Validate: "You didn't do anything wrong."

Express regret: "I got carried away, and I wasn't thinking about what I was saying. I feel terrible that you had to hear it."

Take responsibility: "I'm the one who made the mistake."

SCENARIO

You and a friend see an acquaintance walking toward you with a new boyfriend. You say, "Boy, she could do better than that." Your friend says, "That's my brother."

Apologize: "I apologize. I made an assumption without thinking."

Validate: "I'd be upset if I were you, and I understand if you're upset with me."

Express regret: "I shouldn't have said that, and I didn't mean to offend you or your brother."

Take responsibility: "I wasn't thinking."

SCENARIO

You're in a crowded room and tell a joke that offends people.

Apologize: "Please, forgive me."

Validate: "You have every right to be offended. I tried to be funny -- but I wasn't and told an inappropriate joke."

Express regret: "I regret that I've offended you."

Take responsibility: "I should never have told that joke. I made a poor decision."

Copyright © 2005, Chicago Tribune